Feelings Lately

Wow, I can’t believe it’s already been two months since I last written something here. With that said, I can totally say that a lot has happened since then. There are so many things that dawned on me during the two months that I was away from this haven. What brought me back is that I really miss writing my heart out. Only here am I able to be fully transparent about everything that is currently running through my head without anyone trying to shut out whatever it is that I am feeling.

In just a few weeks I’ll be turning 25, and I have honestly been questioning my whole existence. There are so many things I want to do, to try, to explore — there are so many things out there to enjoy and discover. Yet, here I am. I feel like I wasted 25 years being stuck in the same place and I just can’t figure out how to break away from this mess.

These days, my life has been really confusing and I’ve been overthinking everything – from what will happen today or later this afternoon to what will happen next week or even in the future. It’s just— I’ve never felt this lost before. They say that if the people around you is causing you too much stress and negativity, get rid of them. But honestly, how can I do that when the most toxic people in my life are the ones who are supposed to support me? It’s frustrating when they think they’re protecting me or that they’re helping me be a better person when in reality, they don’t realize that they’re holding me off of the things that will help me grow and improve.

It’s actually hard when these supposedly important people in your life doesn’t understand you, but it’s harder when they insist what they know or what they think is right for you, as if they own you – as if you’re their robot and you have to do everything they say. All my life I keep going by the rules – their rules – yet, all they remember and all that matters to them are those little mistakes that I’ve made along the way. It gets frustrating and tiring and I don’t think anyone would even understand what I’m trying to say, but I’m writing this down anyway. It just feels like I have no one to talk to about certain things that’s been bothering me, and knowing myself, I’ll go crazy if I don’t let these feelings and thoughts out.

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