There is another me in a different dimension where I do not feel like this. Another dimension where my heart fits perfectly into my chest and I am not afraid of the things that make me feel alive.
It sucks that I live in this world where everything feels like it’s going to tear me apart. It’s like I’m always waiting for something to snap — for the sky to fall, for the ground to break, for myself to keep falling into an infinite abyss — always waiting for something to crash.
Love taught me that at one point in time, everyone I’ve ever loved had taken a part of me and nothing will ever be left for myself but the bruises, scars, and burns.
He runs his fingers through my arm, oblivious of the dents that everyone has embedded on my skin; unknowingly reminding me of the person who I once was, before everyone I have ever loved engraved a scar in the deepest part of my heart.
He’s the kind of person that doesn’t come along everyday, but he scares the living hell out of me. It’s like I am in a constant paradox; I want to slip away from his hands, but just the thought of having to wake up finding myself out of his grasp makes me want to pull him deeper into my embrace. I am terrified of his touch because he knows how to sew me back together.
There are so many things I would like to share with him, but I’m afraid he’ll run off thinking how crazy a woman I am and one day realize that he wants me out of his life. I am afraid that he might discover the darkness hidden within my heart and his eyes will stop glowing the way they do when he looks at me.
This is the reason I keep everything to myself — the shards of glass, the wolves who bit off pieces of my mind, the trauma.
Despite all this, I am in a crazy loop but I do not know how to deal with whatever darkness it is that’s eating me alive. It’s as if part of my mind knows that my actions may push him away from me and I know I need to act on it, but it’s so hard to fully break the walls surrounding my heart.
Just looking at him makes me want to give him everything that I have and everything that I can because he deserves nothing but; I have never been loved the same way and I have never loved someone this way, too, and maybe that’s why I am so scared.