27 Years

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I just turned 27 yesterday! If you would ask me 10 years ago what I envisioned my life to be at 27, I’m not sure what I would have told you, but I’m sure that I wouldn’t have envisioned my life to be the way it is right now. I could have told that I envision myself practicing whatever it is that I’ve learned in those four years in college. I would have never, in a million years, envisioned myself becoming a writer in any form or field. I have always loved writing and it was a dream to work as a writer, but I was never given the chance to study any course related to it as my parents thought I would never get to earn enough as one. Ten years ago seems so far away, my 17-year-old self would have been shocked to know who and what I’ve become, but I hope she’s proud of me. Continue reading

What I Wore #9: First Date in Almost a Year

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It’s been almost a year since the pandemic broke out and it’s been taking a toll on my mental health since. I knew that I needed some fresh air, new environment, and just go out once in a while and that’s what we did.

In January, my boyfriend and I decided to take it one step at a time and see of ourselves what it would look like going back on mall dates and it was okay, we just had to make sure that we are distancing ourselves from other people, always keep ourselves sanitized, and being extra careful than usual.
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Movies I’ve Watched During the Pandemic

To be perfectly honest, I don’t watch a lot of television shows as often as I did when I was a kid because I felt like there’s nothing good to watch anymore. All the cartoons and movies that I loved as a kid β€” they just didn’t make stuff like that anymore. Well, at least for me.

Of course, last year was different. With the pandemic going on, the quarantines, and the lockdowns, we were all stuck at home because it’s the best way to keep us all safe from the virus. We tried all sorts of things, there was this Dalgona coffee craze that every coffee lover out there tried (which I continuously failed at and gave up all together). In the middle of it all, it got boring and it felt like we’re missing a year of our lives at home, but it’s our best chance of keeping ourselves safe. So what else is there to do? Aside from turning to my books, I also turned to watching movies, series, and anime. It helped me kill time and keep my mind off things, so why not? Continue reading

The Dusty Diary #3

Hi, hello. Here I am again, back at this corner of my website to talk and rant about the stuff that I’ve been going through in the past couple of weeks or so.

In a span of three weeks, I’ve had so many realizations about my life that it just seemed a little overwhelming and scary. The realizations started when I had to undergo an out-patient medical procedure (which I’ve gone through back in 2019), it was scheduled on March 2020, but COVID happened and lockdowns were imposed. I’ve been so bothered by the number of cases and deaths at the time that I didn’t want to go to the hospital nor risk going outside in general, so I postponed the procedure. Eight months later, the virus is still here but cities are slowly trying to open up again and we kind of discovered a way to go around it by using masks and shields and just being extra extra careful, so I decided to go on with the procedure because it’s been long overdue β€” I still didn’t want to go to the hospital so I opted for a clinic instead for just a little bit less possibility of catching the virus and adding up to my current condition.

A few days later, I got my result and it didn’t turn out good. I’ve cried a lot and started to look back on my life β€” the result scared me out of my wits. I felt devastated and the worst part is that no one seemed to be taking it seriously, so I basically didn’t have anyone to confide in who understands me. The days that followed was either, I didn’t get enough sleep or I sleep the whole day through.

What I hate the most are those moments in the wee hours of the night when I am alone with my thoughts. I was just there β€” lying in bed and staring up at my ceiling trying to shut my mind. Then I looked back in the past two years and realized that in my almost 27 years of existence, I’ve only started to feel alive in 2018. The past 2 and a half years, even with a lot of pressure and stress, have been the best years of my life. It scared me even more because I wanted to spend more years living that way, I wanted to be able to do things with the person I love β€” to break rules, to go out of my comfort zone, to go places, and to learn new things.

It’s funny because there were so many times in my teenage years where I just wished that I wasn’t born or that I wish I didn’t have to live a long life so that I can just stop being here. Now, I just wanted to live despite all the stress and problems that I may or may not go through along the way, I just want to live and see for myself. All our plans for our future, I don’t want them to be just plans β€” I want to actually be in that future, in that moment.

Update: So this week, I decided to go to the hospital and have them do the same procedure on me and the findings turned out to be different from the one that I go back in December. I am so relieved and grateful.