Feelings Lately

Wow, I can’t believe it’s already been two months since I last written something here. With that said, I can totally say that a lot has happened since then. There are so many things that dawned on me during the two months that I was away from this haven. What brought me back is that I really miss writing my heart out. Only here am I able to be fully transparent about everything that is currently running through my head without anyone trying to shut out whatever it is that I am feeling.

In just a few weeks I’ll be turning 25, and I have honestly been questioning my whole existence. There are so many things I want to do, to try, to explore — there are so many things out there to enjoy and discover. Yet, here I am. I feel like I wasted 25 years being stuck in the same place and I just can’t figure out how to break away from this mess.

These days, my life has been really confusing and I’ve been overthinking everything – from what will happen today or later this afternoon to what will happen next week or even in the future. It’s just— I’ve never felt this lost before. They say that if the people around you is causing you too much stress and negativity, get rid of them. But honestly, how can I do that when the most toxic people in my life are the ones who are supposed to support me? It’s frustrating when they think they’re protecting me or that they’re helping me be a better person when in reality, they don’t realize that they’re holding me off of the things that will help me grow and improve.

It’s actually hard when these supposedly important people in your life doesn’t understand you, but it’s harder when they insist what they know or what they think is right for you, as if they own you – as if you’re their robot and you have to do everything they say. All my life I keep going by the rules – their rules – yet, all they remember and all that matters to them are those little mistakes that I’ve made along the way. It gets frustrating and tiring and I don’t think anyone would even understand what I’m trying to say, but I’m writing this down anyway. It just feels like I have no one to talk to about certain things that’s been bothering me, and knowing myself, I’ll go crazy if I don’t let these feelings and thoughts out.

To That Girl

Dear self,

You have to believe that everything will turn out okay in the end — that whatever it is you are going through right now will eventually lead you to the happiness that you crave so much.

There may be times when you are losing hope — times when you feel like giving up is the easiest thing to do, but you have to stay strong and keep reminding yourself that you’ve already come this far just to give up everything you’ve worked for.

Always keep in mind that when you feel tired, it’s okay to take a rest. Then, stand up and take a deep breath and keep going. Remind yourself where you want to be, why you’re doing what you’re doing, and believe in yourself.

You can do it. Don’t listen to other people’s opinions of you, but rather, listen to your heart and know what calms it down and hold on to that because in the end, your happiness is what matters the most.

I’ll Leave This Blank

Trigger Warning: This post is messed up, you don’t have to read it. I just want to get it out of my head (if that’s even possible).

I feel so pressured lately that everyday I wake up to the thought that I’m running out of time. Suddenly, everything I do feels like it’s going to have a huge impact to my future.

I don’t know what to think of it, really. I’m the type of person who get so stressed easily, and these thoughts are seriously stressing me out. But on the other hand, it’s the first time in my whole life that I have a solid image of the future and I badly want to hold on to that image.

For the first time in 25 years (almost), I know what I want and I know where I need to be and who I want to be with. All I need to figure out right now is how I will execute everything.

I feel like I’m running out of time and I don’t want that. I don’t want all this to slip away just like that. I didn’t go through all that just to lose everything I’ve worked so hard for.

An Excerpt From My Diary Dated August 3, 2018

A lot of things happened today. It felt like tomorrow would be the end of the world. We had so much fun until we had to say goodbye.

It hurts so much. I didn’t want him to leave – I didn’t want to let him go. My heart was racing the whole evening and my stomach felt like it’s spinning. I wanted to throw up at the thought that I wouldn’t be able to talk to him in the next two weeks or even forever.

The thought of him not wanting me to be a part of his life scares the hell out of me. I badly wanted to tell him to just hold my hand and choose me every single day of his life, but I didn’t. I sucked at asking people to stay because I’m afraid of getting rejected.

I know I have to stay strong and be ready to face whatever he decides to do, but that doesn’t make it any less painful.

2018

If there is one thing that I learned this year, it’s that I don’t have to feel bad about feeling the way I feel and that following whatever it is that my heart desires isn’t selfish. I came to the realization that when it comes to my happiness, other people’s opinion does not matter.

Sometimes, life has its own way of giving you exactly what you need packaged in the most unexpected circumstances and it’s up to you if you’ll grab it and hold on to it or let it pass you by. In my case, I held on to it and fought so hard just to make it work. I had to, because if I didn’t, I would’ve lost my only chance at happiness.

I’ve fought so many silent battles and I had to keep reminding myself every single day that everything will be alright sooner or later.

This year, I fell in love with someone who constantly shows me that I don’t have to fight my battles alone. Someone who not only brings out the best in me, but also sees every flaw and still believes in me.

This year may have been full of twists and turns, but I still ended up where I wanted to be — with him.

2018 may not have been how I pictured it to be, but it was surprisingly everything I never thought I needed.