The Dusty Diary #1

When I first started blogging, I used to write about my daily encounters with different things. My Tumblr blog used to be a diary of sorts and since this pandemic has been really affecting my mental health, I felt that I needed to write these kind of stuff again because writing my feelings down is therapeutic for me. I needed to take extra steps that I think will help me get through this, so here I am:

It has been nearly three months since the lockdown was imposed in my country, and despite forcing myself to stay positive amidst all this ⁠— well, this pandemic and quarantine really did take a toll on my mental health.

During the first couple of weeks, I was able to stay sane by focusing on work, reading books, and sometimes I even tried to learn new things (e.g., cooking and making dessert). I thought I had my anxiety under control, but as the days go by and as the quarantine period in my side of the world was extended and extended and extended, I found myself more and more anxious. I tried distracting myself by spending way too much time on online shops which resulted in, of course, me buying so many things like books and skincare products. For a while, I was really happy ⁠— receiving a package sort of  gives you that giddy feeling like receiving a gift on your birthday or on Christmas. It worked for a while, I felt happy whenever a package is delivered on our front door and I liked the thrill of opening it and, of course, using the products.

Again, I thought I had it under control, but last week, I’ve been having a hard time sleeping. I am tired and sleepy, but every time I try to close my eyes, my mind goes into a spiral of thoughts that I just can’t shake. I am overthinking again, and it seemed a lot worse than before this pandemic started. I’ve been thinking about the pandemic, the lockdown, my future, my stress from work and my deadlines ⁠— there were so many things running through my mind all at once that it felt like my head was going to crack open. I even came to a point where I cried and begged my mind to just stop thinking and just let me rest ⁠— I was so freaking restless.

Right now, I bought an over-the-counter medicine for some dosage of melatonin to help me sleep at night and I’ve also been drinking tea or milk before going to bed. I’ve been taking the meds for two days now, and so far, it’s helping me pretty well with my sleep though I’m still having occasional breakdowns during the day. I hope I get to cope up with all that is happening because having a mental breakdown at this time is so much harder.

I’ve also been constantly talking with my boyfriend and some of my friends about it, and most of them keep on telling me to just don’t overthink things as I do not have control over everything. I agree, I totally freaking agree, but the thing is, I just can’t force my mind to just stop thinking about everything. As I’ve mentioned, I even came to a point where I begged my mind to just stop ⁠— the noise in my head just don’t know how to stop. It sounds crazy, but it feels that way and I’ve been having intense headaches because of it. It’s so hard to deal with my anxiety, stress, and panic attacks when everything around me is stressing the hell out of me.

I hope that these baby steps like taking in dosages of melatonin, drinking tea/milk, and writing my heart out helps a bit with what I’m currently feeling because I don’t know what else to do.

Those Magical Seconds

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“If happiness could be broken down into units of time, it would be those magical seconds when you said: ‘I don’t want to miss a lifetime with you, Lenn. I love you.'” 

I choose you, too, and I’m truly grateful that we both made the same decision. I am so happy that I wouldn’t have to spend every waking hour of my life wondering what it would feel like being in your arms. I love you for always. ♥

 

What are you most afraid of?

There is another me in a different dimension where I do not feel like this. Another dimension where my heart fits perfectly into my chest and I am not afraid of the things that make me feel alive.

It sucks that I live in this world where everything feels like it’s going to tear me apart. It’s like I’m always waiting for something to snap — for the sky to fall, for the ground to break, for myself to keep falling into an infinite abyss — always waiting for something to crash.

Love taught me that at one point in time, everyone I’ve ever loved had taken a part of me and nothing will ever be left for myself but the bruises, scars, and burns. Continue reading

Heart On My Sleeve, Etc.

I’ve always been someone who wears her heart on her sleeve; someone who loves with all her heart. But growing up, I realized that the downfall of it all is that you let people see parts of you that you can’t get back, parts of you that only you know about; you let them see your fears, and think that they will share it with you, to lessen what you’re feeling, but in reality, you just let yourself be vulnerable to more pain.

It’s ironic that I get to write about all these things, yet I keep going in circles. I’ve always loved love and all the things that come with it — laughter, sadness, happiness, tears — but love isn’t supposed to be complicated, though love isn’t easy either. Love will throw challenges, obstacles, and trials that if you’re not strong enough to conquer, you’ll lose everything you’ve worked hard for.

I can say this over and over again, but most of the time, I go back in circles — I chicken out of being strong. Fear is eating me up, and I badly wanted to run from it and just get rid of this sinking feeling that I’ll eventually end up in tears but I don’t know how to fight it.

It sucks that deep inside, I know that the only reason I’m so sad and tired is because I keep letting fear take over me and I know what to do, yet why does it feel so hard to do so? Why does it feel so hard to just let things be?

The Last

Writing has always been some sort of emotional therapy for me. And so I believe that writing these feelings down can ease whatever I am feeling right now. 

I’ve always believed in second chances and maybe that was the reason why I chose to work things out with you last year. Now that I know the truth, looking back at everything, I realized that maybe not everyone deserves a second chance. Maybe it should only be given to someone who is sincere and determined to make things right. I was so stupid to ever think that you could still change. You are hopeless.

Honestly, I just regret wasting another year on someone who didn’t even deserve to be forgiven in the first place. I should’ve listened to everyone before, I shouldn’t have settled for less. Your words remained words. Well, I guess, what do I expect from someone like you? I knew I didn’t deserve to be treated that way, no girl deserves to, but I was stupid because of everything you said. Now I know that guys like you aren’t to be trusted.

To make things clear, I am not hurt because I still love you. Damn, no. I’m done with that, I’m hurt because people like you take advantage of other people who did nothing but love and fight for you and quite frankly, what I feel towards you are more of anger and disgust than love and pity. It’s been almost two months since that day, I never messaged or called you after the first two days. I got so fed up of you doing that to me that I finally learned how to deal with it. I didn’t chase you anymore because I was so fucking tired of doing that. I used to do that, but surprise, surprise, I grew the fuck up and realized my worth. I tried my hardest to move on but you were the one who kept calling and leaving random messages. And that, I admit, confused me a bit. But with everything that I found out last night, well, it just proved how much of an asshole you are.

You are a living and walking hell and I am so sorry for anyone who will ever love you in the future. One thing I know is that I am glad that you’re finally out of my life. I am finally free and I can finally be happy. I never truly believed that letting go was the easiest way out, until today.

You were asking for my forgiveness but you never for one bit thought of how fucking big the damage you’ve caused have been? You are a self-centered bastard and I can’t believe that I loved someone like you. I don’t know you anymore. You turned into a fucking monster and now you don’t know how to change it.

From this day on, I promise to put myself first. Call me selfish but I’ve been putting others first for far too long and all I earned from doing that was deep scars and bruises from bullets that were fired by the exact person I was trying to save and protect. It’s time to put myself first, it’s time to save myself from the monster and the nightmare that is you.

This serves as the last and final letter I will write about you and for you. You don’t deserve that power over me anymore. 

I AM SO DONE, GOOD BYE.