What are you most afraid of?

There is another me in a different dimension where I do not feel like this. Another dimension where my heart fits perfectly into my chest and I am not afraid of the things that make me feel alive.

It sucks that I live in this world where everything feels like it’s going to tear me apart. It’s like I’m always waiting for something to snap — for the sky to fall, for the ground to break, for myself to keep falling into an infinite abyss — always waiting for something to crash.

Love taught me that at one point in time, everyone I’ve ever loved had taken a part of me and nothing will ever be left for myself but the bruises, scars, and burns. Continue reading

Heart On My Sleeve, Etc.

I’ve always been someone who wears her heart on her sleeve; someone who loves with all her heart. But growing up, I realized that the downfall of it all is that you let people see parts of you that you can’t get back, parts of you that only you know about; you let them see your fears, and think that they will share it with you, to lessen what you’re feeling, but in reality, you just let yourself be vulnerable to more pain.

It’s ironic that I get to write about all these things, yet I keep going in circles. I’ve always loved love and all the things that come with it — laughter, sadness, happiness, tears — but love isn’t supposed to be complicated, though love isn’t easy either. Love will throw challenges, obstacles, and trials that if you’re not strong enough to conquer, you’ll lose everything you’ve worked hard for.

I can say this over and over again, but most of the time, I go back in circles — I chicken out of being strong. Fear is eating me up, and I badly wanted to run from it and just get rid of this sinking feeling that I’ll eventually end up in tears but I don’t know how to fight it.

It sucks that deep inside, I know that the only reason I’m so sad and tired is because I keep letting fear take over me and I know what to do, yet why does it feel so hard to do so? Why does it feel so hard to just let things be?

I’ve always wanted to take up Journalism

When I was a kid, I wanted to be a doctor or a lawyer someday. But everything changed when I entered high school, I still remember how our English teacher required each of us to have and write on a diary daily for the whole year. And without it, our clearance wouldn’t be signed at the end of the academic year. I remember how I complained on why we need to do such. But after writing for days, I’ve learned to love what I was doing and I realized that I wanted to write. My opinions, feelings and thoughts about a certain topic. But most of all, I wanted to write for other people, I wanted to make a difference, to inspire the whole world. And from then on, I knew I wanted to be a Journalist.

Only, my parents didn’t have the same mind set as I have about this, they have always been concerned about my future job and the money I could have earned if I took up a much better course. And since I don’t have much of a choice, because it’s their money that I’ll be using for college, I am now an Information Technology student and it gets harder everyday, I’ve been forcing this course to like me and I’ve also been forcing myself to like it for three years now. It has always been hard for me to put my heart in this course when I should be out there, writing.