Heart On My Sleeve, Etc.

I’ve always been someone who wears her heart on her sleeve; someone who loves with all her heart. But growing up, I realized that the downfall of it all is that you let people see parts of you that you can’t get back, parts of you that only you know about; you let them see your fears, and think that they will share it with you, to lessen what you’re feeling, but in reality, you just let yourself be vulnerable to more pain.

It’s ironic that I get to write about all these things, yet I keep going in circles. I’ve always loved love and all the things that come with it — laughter, sadness, happiness, tears — but love isn’t supposed to be complicated, though love isn’t easy either. Love will throw challenges, obstacles, and trials that if you’re not strong enough to conquer, you’ll lose everything you’ve worked hard for.

I can say this over and over again, but most of the time, I go back in circles — I chicken out of being strong. Fear is eating me up, and I badly wanted to run from it and just get rid of this sinking feeling that I’ll eventually end up in tears but I don’t know how to fight it.

It sucks that deep inside, I know that the only reason I’m so sad and tired is because I keep letting fear take over me and I know what to do, yet why does it feel so hard to do so? Why does it feel so hard to just let things be?

On #Halalan2016

I don’t normally talk or post about these things on the internet because I believe that we all have different views and reasons why we support a certain candidate, but suddenly I just felt the need to share my opinion on this because it’s really starting to bother me. By posting this, I know a lot of people will question everything I am about to say.   

I know I don’t really have the power to alter people’s choices (sino ba naman ako to do that?), but please, try to hear me out. We do not need dictatorship or a revolutionary government to start change. We don’t need to depend change on one person, change starts with each and everyone of us, if only we are willing to act upon it. I understand that most Filipinos are sick and tired of waiting to actually “see and feel” the change they want. But do we really need to settle for another dictatorship just because we hate the current administration? Remember, we have fought so long for the freedom we now have, tapos gusto nyo ibalik sa dati? Let’s not make the same mistake twice. I know that in writing this, madaming magagalit sakin since madami syang supporters and they might see this post as something relating to “paninira” and they might even think na “ano bang pinagsasabi nitong tangang to”, but seriously, I’m just trying to point something out, I’m just sharing my opinion.

Given that this country needs order, but I don’t think we need it this way. We need peace and order, not order and chaos. Remember that. I’m sure and I believe that we can find another way to solve all these problems. Let’s not go that far, to the point that we are willing to accept and settle for shoot to kill protocols, killings, NPA invading Manila, destruction of human rights. No. We don’t need that. Sasabihin nung iba, “If the blood belongs to criminals, then why not?” Really? What happened to thou shalt not kill? Hindi natin kailangan mabuhay sa takot para magtino. Napakababa naman nating tao kung ganun.

Do we really need someone who speaks in a language our parents never wanted us to use? Oo, I’m no saint and I curse too, but when it comes to speeches and serious matters, is that the right way to speak? Oo, sige ganyan ka na eh. I believe na we don’t need to change in order to please everyone, pero you’re running to be the next president of the country. At least try to filter your words.

Do we really need someone who throws jokes about sensitive issues such as rape? Sasabihin nung iba, “Banal kayo no? You’re taking a joke too seriously,” but the point is, rape is not a joke and no one ever has the right to joke about it. I personally really didn’t find it funny. Konting comment nga sa pictures natin at konting tingin ng mga lalake sa kalye, nagagalit tayo diba? Because they’re rude. Eh pano kung sabihin nila sainyo na joke lang din yun kasi idol nila si Mayor, eh? That those nasty comments and stares are just jokes? Sa kakaganyan ng tao, nagiging joke na yung, “Sana marape ka,” it has come to a point that it affected people’s views and way of delivering a joke. Akala nila nakakatuwa, sasabihin masyado namang butthurt mga tao. But what if it was said to someone you love? Your mother or your sister or your girlfriend or your wife? Would you still find it funny?

Do we really need someone who talks shit about religion? All these years, gusto natin respetuhin yung mga beliefs natin kasi iba iba naman yan diba. Yet here we are, choosing someone who divides us rather than unite us. We’re choosing someone who doesn’t care about our beliefs. Believe me, hindi ako kasing active nung iba when it comes to religious matters, pero I still have faith. I still believe. I’m still Catholic and I stand with my church.

Do we really need someone who would kill without due process? Pano pag napagbintangan lang? Patay talaga agad? Pano pag ikaw yun? Well, siguro you love and preach him so much that you are willing to die kahit wala kang kasalanan. But not me.

He even mentioned in one of his interviews na ipapapatay nya yung mga “madadaldal ang bunganga” (his exact words), so kung bukas makalawa, patay na ko, alam nyo na ha? At least I’ve had the chance to speak up before I die. Sasabihin nanaman na joke lang yun at masyadong sineseryoso ng mga tao, okay po! Kahit wala syang sinabi na joke lang yun and he walked away right after saying it. I could go on and on in explaining why I am not in favor of him, pero baka abutin ako ng eleksyon kaya tama na.

I’m scared of what will happen in the next few days. And don’t get me started with that, “Bakit may kasalanan ka ba? Takot ka bang makulong?” because that’s nothing but pure BS. I’m scared because we are putting the country at risk and everyone is still too blind to see it; we are saying goodbye to democracy, saying goodbye to our economy, saying goodbye to human rights.

Let’s not settle for someone like him just because we hate the current administration. Let’s not close our minds. But as I said in the beginning of this post, I cannot alter people’s choices, all I can say is, vote wisely and pray harder.

5 Things

  • Learn to forgive those who hurt you. Easier said than done, I know. It may be hard not to hate the person who’ve caused you a very deep cut but you will never be free from something unless you accept the situation and forgive the people who caused it. Don’t stress over the things you can’t change.
  • You can’t please everyone. Not everyone will like you, there will always be people who will say something about you no matter how much you try to please them so just be yourself and do what you do. As long as you’re not doing anything bad, keep going.
  • Try to understand others before you judge them. Stop judging people for the things they do for you do not know what they’re going through. Put yourself in their shoes first.
  • Accept your mistakes. Always accept your mistakes and apologize for the damage you’ve done.
  • You won’t get everything you want. It is not because you do not deserve it but because you deserve something else, something better for you. You just have to fully accept that not everything you want is good for you. 

The Last

Writing has always been some sort of emotional therapy for me. And so I believe that writing these feelings down can ease whatever I am feeling right now. 

I’ve always believed in second chances and maybe that was the reason why I chose to work things out with you last year. Now that I know the truth, looking back at everything, I realized that maybe not everyone deserves a second chance. Maybe it should only be given to someone who is sincere and determined to make things right. I was so stupid to ever think that you could still change. You are hopeless.

Honestly, I just regret wasting another year on someone who didn’t even deserve to be forgiven in the first place. I should’ve listened to everyone before, I shouldn’t have settled for less. Your words remained words. Well, I guess, what do I expect from someone like you? I knew I didn’t deserve to be treated that way, no girl deserves to, but I was stupid because of everything you said. Now I know that guys like you aren’t to be trusted.

To make things clear, I am not hurt because I still love you. Damn, no. I’m done with that, I’m hurt because people like you take advantage of other people who did nothing but love and fight for you and quite frankly, what I feel towards you are more of anger and disgust than love and pity. It’s been almost two months since that day, I never messaged or called you after the first two days. I got so fed up of you doing that to me that I finally learned how to deal with it. I didn’t chase you anymore because I was so fucking tired of doing that. I used to do that, but surprise, surprise, I grew the fuck up and realized my worth. I tried my hardest to move on but you were the one who kept calling and leaving random messages. And that, I admit, confused me a bit. But with everything that I found out last night, well, it just proved how much of an asshole you are.

You are a living and walking hell and I am so sorry for anyone who will ever love you in the future. One thing I know is that I am glad that you’re finally out of my life. I am finally free and I can finally be happy. I never truly believed that letting go was the easiest way out, until today.

You were asking for my forgiveness but you never for one bit thought of how fucking big the damage you’ve caused have been? You are a self-centered bastard and I can’t believe that I loved someone like you. I don’t know you anymore. You turned into a fucking monster and now you don’t know how to change it.

From this day on, I promise to put myself first. Call me selfish but I’ve been putting others first for far too long and all I earned from doing that was deep scars and bruises from bullets that were fired by the exact person I was trying to save and protect. It’s time to put myself first, it’s time to save myself from the monster and the nightmare that is you.

This serves as the last and final letter I will write about you and for you. You don’t deserve that power over me anymore. 

I AM SO DONE, GOOD BYE.