The Dusty Diary #3

Hi, hello. Here I am again, back at this corner of my website to talk and rant about the stuff that I’ve been going through in the past couple of weeks or so.

In a span of three weeks, I’ve had so many realizations about my life that it just seemed a little overwhelming and scary. The realizations started when I had to undergo an out-patient medical procedure (which I’ve gone through back in 2019), it was scheduled on March 2020, but COVID happened and lockdowns were imposed. I’ve been so bothered by the number of cases and deaths at the time that I didn’t want to go to the hospital nor risk going outside in general, so I postponed the procedure. Eight months later, the virus is still here but cities are slowly trying to open up again and we kind of discovered a way to go around it by using masks and shields and just being extra extra careful, so I decided to go on with the procedure because it’s been long overdue — I still didn’t want to go to the hospital so I opted for a clinic instead for just a little bit less possibility of catching the virus and adding up to my current condition.

A few days later, I got my result and it didn’t turn out good. I’ve cried a lot and started to look back on my life — the result scared me out of my wits. I felt devastated and the worst part is that no one seemed to be taking it seriously, so I basically didn’t have anyone to confide in who understands me. The days that followed was either, I didn’t get enough sleep or I sleep the whole day through.

What I hate the most are those moments in the wee hours of the night when I am alone with my thoughts. I was just there — lying in bed and staring up at my ceiling trying to shut my mind. Then I looked back in the past two years and realized that in my almost 27 years of existence, I’ve only started to feel alive in 2018. The past 2 and a half years, even with a lot of pressure and stress, have been the best years of my life. It scared me even more because I wanted to spend more years living that way, I wanted to be able to do things with the person I love — to break rules, to go out of my comfort zone, to go places, and to learn new things.

It’s funny because there were so many times in my teenage years where I just wished that I wasn’t born or that I wish I didn’t have to live a long life so that I can just stop being here. Now, I just wanted to live despite all the stress and problems that I may or may not go through along the way, I just want to live and see for myself. All our plans for our future, I don’t want them to be just plans — I want to actually be in that future, in that moment.

Update: So this week, I decided to go to the hospital and have them do the same procedure on me and the findings turned out to be different from the one that I go back in December. I am so relieved and grateful.

High Hopes for 2021

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I’ve said it a million times this year, you all said it, too — 2020 was not our year. There were so many challenges: The Taal volcano eruption, COVID-19, typhoons, etc. We’ve been through so much this year. It wasn’t easy, heck, it’s the hardest year for all of us. Personally, the pandemic took a toll on my mental health and it has been a struggle for me to wake up every morning and find the courage to go on and face a new day. It felt like I don’t have any goals, the days were repetitive and I feel like I’m living in a loop. It’s suffocating because I don’t get to go out because of the virus — honestly, the whole year just sucked.

But, hey, we survived, didn’t we? That counts for something. Wait, scratch that — it’s the most important thing we did in 2020, we survived and continued to push forward despite everything. With that, I hope that the coming year will be better for all of us and may the whole world be COVID-free in 2021.

Despite the year being more stressful than the previous years, I would still like to allot some time listing the things that helped me stay sane:

  • Because of the pandemic, we are all advised to stay at home and follow quarantine measures so as not to catch the virus which gave me more time for reading. That being said, I was able to read 42 books (as of writing) this year which is equivalent to 13,468 pages!
  • I was also able to take care of my skin more. Since I don’t go out a lot anymore, my skin is not exposed to invisible dirt, smoke, and other stuff that may cause breakouts. So my skin is more softer!
  • I learned how to cook a little and prepare my own meals! I learned how to make lasagna, flying saucer (which bread stuffed with lots of cheese), homemade pizza, and my own guacamole recipe!
  • I was able to save more money since I didn’t get to spend it on lunch outs and impulse-buys. I did buy a lot of books, yes, but I learned how to manage my money.
  • I read outside of my comfort zone; I started to love mystery/thrillers!
  • I got a work promotion!

It’s not a lot and everything I’ve listed are probably just little things but they are important to me and they’re the ones the helped keep my head above water.

Happy New Year, everyone! Let’s all hope for the best. ❤

What I Wore #7: After 8 Months, I Went Out

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Since the pandemic broke out and most of us were advised to stay at home, I haven’t really gone out of the housed except for those grocery runs I had to do with my mom which we managed to do only once or twice a month. Recently, quarantine measures were beginning to ease and a lot of people are starting to cope with the “new normal.” Since there are no check points anymore, my family decided to visit my grandparents’ house in Tagaytay because we haven’t visited since March and there were lots of cleaning to do.

We went during the recent long weekend in the Philippines (November 28 to 30), after a bit of cleaning we decided to do some groceries for the holidays because we will be spending Christmas there, too. Before that, we had lunch at Gerry’s Grill. It’s been a long time since we last had lunch outs! Pre-COVID, we usually eat out every Sunday. Continue reading

The Dusty Diary #2

I haven’t been myself lately.

Yup, you read that right. I haven’t been myself lately, again. Just when I thought I have finally moved past that phase. It’s been five months since I last wrote that first entry for The Dusty Diary where I talked about how my anxiety has been getting worse during the pandemic. I said that I’ve been trying out different things that I think might help me get through it. I didn’t write any updates about it, but during the past couple of months, I really felt like I’ve been doing better.

So to give you a brief run down of what I’ve been busy with during the past couple of months, I’ve been:

  • reading a lot, of course.
  • watching a lot of anime.
  • buddy-watching a series with my boyfriend.
  • active on bookstagram.
  • trying to do bullet-journaling.
  • doing some workout.

It worked for a couple of months as I’ve mentioned at the start of this post. But in the past week, I’ve been feeling a bit down for no apparent reason. It’s frustrating just how when I thought I am finally getting better, here’s the anxiety again, looming over my head like a dark cloud. 

So I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking what I could have done wrong in the past couple of days for my anxiety to resurface, and I came to the conclusion that maybe I’m just feeling a little burnt out from work. I’ve seen it coming, but I didn’t know how to deal with it because what should I do? I need to work to earn money and suffice my needs (and wants). So I ignored it, whatever it was, I just had to ignore it because I can’t file a leave every time I feel this way. I thought it will go away eventually. I was wrong.

During work days, I always wake up with dread knowing that I’d have to spend 8 hours of my day in front of my laptop, attending meetings, and dealing with my tasks. Sometimes, even a small task feels like it’s going to take me forever to finish it. I keep reminding myself that I’ve done bigger tasks and have submitted each of them way before the deadline itself, but it just doesn’t work — I feel entirely restless most of the time. So I always find myself just looking forward to the weekend, so I can have all my time to myself. 

Yet, these days, it’s either I sleep a lot or don’t get any sleep at all and it’s infuriating. There are nights where I’ve been awake until the wee hours of the morning, listening to music that might help me fall asleep while drawing spirals, the way John Green told me to. It’s funny thinking about it, if you’re not suffering from the same thoughts.

I’ve also been suffering from migraines more often these days which almost always result to my being irritated. I snap at everyone who talks to me because I feel like I need more silent moments — I just don’t want to speak with anyone. There are also times when I am in a desperate need for an escape and on most days, it’s through reading that I find my peace. I lock myself up inside my room, just so no one can come in and pull me away from my book. Sometimes, it’s through journaling as it keeps me busy, especially when I’m trying to think of ideas that will make a spread look pretty enough. But there are days when I crave a different kind of escape — I just need to get away from this dark empty space inside my head.

So, yes, here I am again; back at where I started. Again, trying to write all of my thoughts thinking that if I do, this blank space will take all of it away. If you made it up to this point, thank you for listening, even if this doesn’t have any conclusion at all.

JNVQ Diaries: A Love Letter

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Babe,

Happy quarantine birthday! Who would’ve thought that this year would turn out this way? We have so many plans for this year, and I can still remember vividly how we’ve been arguing on how to spend my birthday before the quarantine was imposed. That was in March, it’s been three months and we’re now celebrating your birthday but we still haven’t seen each other since. It’s really frustrating because I miss you so bad. But as I’ve said in my birthday post, we have to be strong while being apart right now, so we can spend a lot of birthdays together in the future.

I know it’s hard celebrating at a time like this, but I hope you enjoy your cake and my not-so-surprise birthday gift that we’ve been talking about for weeks! Haha! I don’t like to be all that cheesy, but I want you to know that I will always love you and you will always be the best decision that I have made for my entire life. I am still happy that I’ve chosen to be with you and I will keep choosing you. I knew you were the right one because you never tolerated my immaturity during my red days even when we argue about it most of the time. I really do appreciate it because you are helping become a better version of myself.

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I would also like to thank you for always being the stronger person in our relationship, I know that there are times when you also feel down because, hey, you’re also human. Yet, you always put me first by trying to appear strong for me and I will always appreciate you for that even if it may not look like so. I would also like you to know that I appreciate your patience and selflessness when it comes to understanding my overthinking, I know it’s also hard for you, but you always manage to help me through my episodes.

With all that, I wish you all the blessings that you deserve. I am looking forward to more adventures throughout the years with you. Thank you for making me feel the most alive I’ve been in 26 years. You are the greatest thrill and adventure of my life.

Thank you for your existence.

I love you.

Yours for always,
Lenn