Self Appreciation

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I look back at the past 27 years, especially my teenage years, and I remember thinking to myself how hard it is to live in my shoes. Remembering this, in my mind, I see my younger self in glimpses; crying myself to sleep, struggling to get out of bed every day while muttering “ayoko na,” over-eating or not eating at all, being scared or worried or anxious or paranoid, thinking that I will never be good enough, being insecure about the way I look, and constantly overthinking every damn thing. It was such a hard time.

The worst part was that no one, not even my closest friends, knew what I was going through. I’ve always kept things to myself because I was so used to hearing “nag-iinarte lang yan” whenever I speak out my feelings even when I was still a little girl, so I never really knew what having a support system felt like. People who know me since then knows how mentally and emotionally damaged I am to the point that someone even asked me, “Who hurt you?” Continue reading

Skincare Talk #1

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I’ve been getting a lot of questions about the skincare product(s) that I use, so I decided to make a post about it here on my blog! I started investing on skincare in 2015, and I’ve tried a lot of products since then. I have tried using a lot of different brands over the years until I found the products that works best for my skin.
If you’re a newbie, it is very important to determine what skin type you have as some products tend to cause irritation and breakouts if they are not suitable for your skin type. My skin type is a combination of oily (on the nose and chin area) and dry skin, so the products that I use are best recommended for people with the same skin type.

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I’m engaged!

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To be perfectly honest, I don’t know how to write this post without ugly-crying in front of my laptop! But I would like to start by saying that our story would never be complete without the whirlwind romance of how it all started. This post is pretty much the sequel to all of my previous attempts of writing the story of us. Jeez, it still feels surreal calling him my fiancé — we’ve openly talked about marriage and our future plans, but being here in this moment, I still couldn’t believe it. It’s been days, yet I still couldn’t believe it despite having started with the wedding preparation.

Our relationship may not be as long as others, but we sure have gone through so much together. I remember that a lot of people didn’t approve of our being together, some even said that what we have won’t last long. Looking back now, it feels like it’s been a lifetime ago, yet I can still remember it clear as day. My past self would feel so good knowing that they were wrong about us and knowing that she made the right choice.

I’ve always felt like I’m constantly making wrong decision after wrong decision my whole life because that’s what everyone around me made me feel, but with you, it just instantly felt right. You pushed me to be a better person and made me realize that taking risks is not always as scary as it seems.

Here, on the first chapter of the sequel of our book, I am both ecstatic and afraid. And that’s okay, because one thing that I learned from our relationship is that the most worthwhile moments are the ones that scare the hell out of me. You’ve proven that, time and time again. Continue reading

The Dusty Diary #3

Hi, hello. Here I am again, back at this corner of my website to talk and rant about the stuff that I’ve been going through in the past couple of weeks or so.

In a span of three weeks, I’ve had so many realizations about my life that it just seemed a little overwhelming and scary. The realizations started when I had to undergo an out-patient medical procedure (which I’ve gone through back in 2019), it was scheduled on March 2020, but COVID happened and lockdowns were imposed. I’ve been so bothered by the number of cases and deaths at the time that I didn’t want to go to the hospital nor risk going outside in general, so I postponed the procedure. Eight months later, the virus is still here but cities are slowly trying to open up again and we kind of discovered a way to go around it by using masks and shields and just being extra extra careful, so I decided to go on with the procedure because it’s been long overdue — I still didn’t want to go to the hospital so I opted for a clinic instead for just a little bit less possibility of catching the virus and adding up to my current condition.

A few days later, I got my result and it didn’t turn out good. I’ve cried a lot and started to look back on my life — the result scared me out of my wits. I felt devastated and the worst part is that no one seemed to be taking it seriously, so I basically didn’t have anyone to confide in who understands me. The days that followed was either, I didn’t get enough sleep or I sleep the whole day through.

What I hate the most are those moments in the wee hours of the night when I am alone with my thoughts. I was just there — lying in bed and staring up at my ceiling trying to shut my mind. Then I looked back in the past two years and realized that in my almost 27 years of existence, I’ve only started to feel alive in 2018. The past 2 and a half years, even with a lot of pressure and stress, have been the best years of my life. It scared me even more because I wanted to spend more years living that way, I wanted to be able to do things with the person I love — to break rules, to go out of my comfort zone, to go places, and to learn new things.

It’s funny because there were so many times in my teenage years where I just wished that I wasn’t born or that I wish I didn’t have to live a long life so that I can just stop being here. Now, I just wanted to live despite all the stress and problems that I may or may not go through along the way, I just want to live and see for myself. All our plans for our future, I don’t want them to be just plans — I want to actually be in that future, in that moment.

Update: So this week, I decided to go to the hospital and have them do the same procedure on me and the findings turned out to be different from the one that I go back in December. I am so relieved and grateful.

High Hopes for 2021

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I’ve said it a million times this year, you all said it, too — 2020 was not our year. There were so many challenges: The Taal volcano eruption, COVID-19, typhoons, etc. We’ve been through so much this year. It wasn’t easy, heck, it’s the hardest year for all of us. Personally, the pandemic took a toll on my mental health and it has been a struggle for me to wake up every morning and find the courage to go on and face a new day. It felt like I don’t have any goals, the days were repetitive and I feel like I’m living in a loop. It’s suffocating because I don’t get to go out because of the virus — honestly, the whole year just sucked.

But, hey, we survived, didn’t we? That counts for something. Wait, scratch that — it’s the most important thing we did in 2020, we survived and continued to push forward despite everything. With that, I hope that the coming year will be better for all of us and may the whole world be COVID-free in 2021.

Despite the year being more stressful than the previous years, I would still like to allot some time listing the things that helped me stay sane:

  • Because of the pandemic, we are all advised to stay at home and follow quarantine measures so as not to catch the virus which gave me more time for reading. That being said, I was able to read 42 books (as of writing) this year which is equivalent to 13,468 pages!
  • I was also able to take care of my skin more. Since I don’t go out a lot anymore, my skin is not exposed to invisible dirt, smoke, and other stuff that may cause breakouts. So my skin is more softer!
  • I learned how to cook a little and prepare my own meals! I learned how to make lasagna, flying saucer (which bread stuffed with lots of cheese), homemade pizza, and my own guacamole recipe!
  • I was able to save more money since I didn’t get to spend it on lunch outs and impulse-buys. I did buy a lot of books, yes, but I learned how to manage my money.
  • I read outside of my comfort zone; I started to love mystery/thrillers!
  • I got a work promotion!

It’s not a lot and everything I’ve listed are probably just little things but they are important to me and they’re the ones the helped keep my head above water.

Happy New Year, everyone! Let’s all hope for the best. ❤