Heart On My Sleeve, Etc.

I’ve always been someone who wears her heart on her sleeve; someone who loves with all her heart. But growing up, I realized that the downfall of it all is that you let people see parts of you that you can’t get back, parts of you that only you know about; you let them see your fears, and think that they will share it with you, to lessen what you’re feeling, but in reality, you just let yourself be vulnerable to more pain.

It’s ironic that I get to write about all these things, yet I keep going in circles. I’ve always loved love and all the things that come with it — laughter, sadness, happiness, tears — but love isn’t supposed to be complicated, though love isn’t easy either. Love will throw challenges, obstacles, and trials that if you’re not strong enough to conquer, you’ll lose everything you’ve worked hard for.

I can say this over and over again, but most of the time, I go back in circles — I chicken out of being strong. Fear is eating me up, and I badly wanted to run from it and just get rid of this sinking feeling that I’ll eventually end up in tears but I don’t know how to fight it.

It sucks that deep inside, I know that the only reason I’m so sad and tired is because I keep letting fear take over me and I know what to do, yet why does it feel so hard to do so? Why does it feel so hard to just let things be?

Add a text post.

In a span of a month or two, I have realized a lot about life. I realized that not everyone will understand you, sometimes you need to understand them as well. I learned that pleasing everyone all at once is pretty much impossible in a world like ours.

I have always wanted to patch things up. I mean, that was as soon as I realized that I have grown apart from the people I have loved. I have always wanted to fix and find the broken pieces. But for some reason, I found out that I did not only grew apart from them, but they have learned to dislike me, or maybe even hate. It wasn’t easy for me to have found that out at first. I have always thought that friendship is about talking things over, about understanding and patching things up. But I guess not.

No, I am not putting all the blame on them. Because I know that I am also at fault. The only thing that have hurt me─my feelings─is that they never tried to talk or ask me what happened to me. I will accept all the painful words if there ever will be, I honestly will. Just as long as they say it in front of me. To my face. Not through statuses or tweets. I want that more than what is currently happening. I have never said something against them behind their back, I have never posted a single thing against them online, because I thought everything was fine between us.

Perhaps, this is His way of making me realize everything, including my own mistakes. And to realize that I have earned better things despite the unbelievably turbulent events in my life. And that I have changed for the better, as to what the people around me have said. A lot of people have asked me why I didn’t do anything to defend myself, why I’ve let them broadcast stuff online but instead kept silent about it. I truly respect the friendship we once shared, and that is the main reason why I did not even try to defend or say something that I know will hurt them even when I know a lot.

I have never answered their tweets and statuses with another status or tweet because I know that it will only worsen the situation. But recently, I have had enough. It was just too much. I mean, this is not high school. If they have a problem with me, why include my other friends? My friends have always been quiet even when they have noticed that there is a problem. I don’t think that I can still at least try to understand anymore. I am tired of always being the one who tries to understand.

Remoteness

I can stand talking to those people that I know says something behind my back, those people who has never been really my “friend”.

But when it comes to those people whom I least expect to do such, I can’t stand talking to them unless badly needed. I can’t even look at them for a long time, because it hurts. It hurts to know that the ones whom you’ve trusted so much, the ones whom you thought will never do it to you, actually did. I have the urge to stay away, to back off — to distance myself from them. I have been remote in some ways.

Life has always been like this. As soon as happiness gets to you, you should ready yourself for something that will sadden you. Life has a tendency of fucking things up when you’re at your most happy state.

This is a very awful post for a Sunday evening. I’m sorry.