What I Wore #2: Singapore

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Since this blog series is just a few weeks old, I wasn’t able to post the outfits I wore during our Singapore trip in June. So before the year ends, I should probably post them, so that it doesn’t feel like I have an unfinished business

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What I Wore #1: Christmas Party 2019

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Hey, everyone! I’m back with another series to launch on this little space of mine. I’ve been thinking about this series for quite some time now, and I think it’s just fitting to introduce my very own What I Wore segment in my website since my inspiration for blogging are fashion bloggers like Kryz Uy, Tricia Gosingtian, etc (as mentioned in this post).

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Fighting Monsters & Saving Myself

How does one really find the courage to write about their mental breakdowns and anxieties? How do other people really make it go away?

I thought I was doing good; this always happens to me. One day I feel perfectly okay, I go on like that for days — months even. Then suddenly I encounter something that stresses me out and it just comes back without any warning. Sometimes, it’s just the little things that upsets me so much I end up making all these fucked up scenarios in my head and the loop starts all over again.

Writing about this, I feel like I am showing a part of me that I don’t really acknowledge all that much. A part of me that I’ve been dealing with for so long; battles that I’ve been fighting alone for years.

So, why am I really writing about this now? I think I came across something that triggered it today; I wouldn’t go into detail but I was very upset I needed to force myself to stop shaking. It hasn’t been as intense as that in quite a while.

But this post is not about what triggered me, but about how I would like to give myself a pat on the back for not breaking down even though I feel like all my insides are shaking. I would like to give myself credit fo trying so hard to be okay all throughout the day. It was like I spent the whole day fighting all those monsters; keeping myself occupied, just so I wouldn’t have to overthink.

I’m all alone inside my room now, and instead of dwelling into things that I cannot change, I just focus on how I managed the day and how I can win this constant battle against my thoughts.

25 Things To Learn at 25

What is 25 supposed to feel like, anyway? Do you have to feel perfectly at peace with yourself? Do you have to be successful? Do you have to feel like you’ve got everything under control or that you have everything figured out? Honestly, I don’t have the answers either. Our mid-twenties are supposed to be the time for exploring everything — finding yourself, going beyond your limits, and the likes. Yet, here I am, spending most of my time feeling confused and stressed out.

There are days when I spend the whole day feeling pressured about the future – how each day and year leads closer and closer to my 30s and I’m still not where I thought I would be as an individual and that thought scares the shit out of me.

But hey, it’s my 25th year of existence, and though I am far from having everything figured out, in this post, instead of dwelling into the black hole, I will focus on the lessons that I picked up along the way (and have yet to apply in my daily life). Some of it may not be as important to others as it is important to me, but we all have different challenges in life, right? So, here goes:

  1. Hobbies are worth the time and investment — May it be reading, sports, writing, etc. If it matters to you, it’s worth it.
  2. Don’t let others convince you that your interests are a waste of time — Don’t let others’ opinion of what you enjoy doing get in your head. We all have different interests.
  3. Cut toxic people out of your life — You have a lot of problems already, you don’t need other people adding up to that stress.
  4. Your health matters (physical and mental) — Yes, work is important and it is your source of income but taking a break once in a while is okay.
  5. Skin care is important — One thing I’ve learned in the past year is that skin care is just as important as breathing. Take care of your body, and everything else follows.
  6. Drink lots of water — This is a problem I’ve been struggling with for the longest time, and I just needed to keep reminding myself that being hydrated is part of my skin care.
  7. Make time (or even exceptions) for the people and things that matter — If they matter to you, going out of your way just to make time for them is worth it, regardless of the consequences.
  8. Stop focusing on what others think of you — This is still a work in progress for me, but I’ll get the hang of it.
  9. Save for your future — Splurging every once in a while is okay, but always always always save up for your future. It’s all for you, anyway.
  10. Be kind, always — It may be hard to be kind when everyone around you seems to be testing your patience, but brush them off and be kind anyways.
  11. Never sell yourself short — Never settle for something or someone just because everyone thinks it’s the best for you. You’re the one who should know what’s best for you.
  12. Take risks — Never be afraid to take risks, it’s always better to say “at least I tried,” than forever wondering what could’ve been if you took the risk.
  13. Take a moment of rest — Staying in doesn’t make you boring. Sleep the whole day to make up for a stressful week. Just rest.
  14. It’s totally okay not to like what everyone else likes — You don’t have to like that popular movie series, or book series, or that new restaurant that everyone’s talking about, or travelling. If you’re not into it, don’t force yourself to like it.
  15. You don’t have to be following the footsteps of the person who came before you — You are your own person. You can’t keep competing with someone who came before you — they’re no longer in the picture for a reason. And you replaced them for a reason, too. So, focus on yourself.
  16. You are never an option — If someone makes you think that you are an option, get rid of them.
  17. It is never wrong to love with all your heart — Now, this is too personal but I need to stop overthinking things and just unleash the love that I’ve long been holding back.
  18. You are important — Never neglect your importance in this world, because if you can’t appreciate yourself, who else will?
  19. Your thoughts, ideas, and feelings matter — Never let anyone invalidate whatever it is that you think or feel towards something.
  20. Let things be – if it’s meant for you, it’s meant for you.
  21. Don’t stress over every damn thing — This needs to be emphasized. You don’t have control over everything, so stop worrying about every damn thing. Yes, I’m talking to you, self.
  22. You don’t have to apologize for what you feel — Your feelings matter. No explanations needed.
  23. Take care of yourself — You need to take care of yourself the way you take care of the people and things that matter to you. You should be your first priority.
  24. Crying doesn’t make you weak — Sometimes you just have to let things out. Your anger, your frustration — everything, and crying helps release all that.
  25. Celebrate the little things — Everyone has their own share of problems, but the key to being happy is that you should not spend all your time dwelling on those problems. Celebrate your little victories, it still a victory, no matter how small.

I hope these 25 things helps you, too, to be more positive and to see the light in the dark because life will always be unfair to all of us, but that’s what makes it fair all the same.

Feelings Lately

Wow, I can’t believe it’s already been two months since I last written something here. With that said, I can totally say that a lot has happened since then. There are so many things that dawned on me during the two months that I was away from this haven. What brought me back is that I really miss writing my heart out. Only here am I able to be fully transparent about everything that is currently running through my head without anyone trying to shut out whatever it is that I am feeling.

In just a few weeks I’ll be turning 25, and I have honestly been questioning my whole existence. There are so many things I want to do, to try, to explore — there are so many things out there to enjoy and discover. Yet, here I am. I feel like I wasted 25 years being stuck in the same place and I just can’t figure out how to break away from this mess.

These days, my life has been really confusing and I’ve been overthinking everything – from what will happen today or later this afternoon to what will happen next week or even in the future. It’s just— I’ve never felt this lost before. They say that if the people around you is causing you too much stress and negativity, get rid of them. But honestly, how can I do that when the most toxic people in my life are the ones who are supposed to support me? It’s frustrating when they think they’re protecting me or that they’re helping me be a better person when in reality, they don’t realize that they’re holding me off of the things that will help me grow and improve.

It’s actually hard when these supposedly important people in your life doesn’t understand you, but it’s harder when they insist what they know or what they think is right for you, as if they own you – as if you’re their robot and you have to do everything they say. All my life I keep going by the rules – their rules – yet, all they remember and all that matters to them are those little mistakes that I’ve made along the way. It gets frustrating and tiring and I don’t think anyone would even understand what I’m trying to say, but I’m writing this down anyway. It just feels like I have no one to talk to about certain things that’s been bothering me, and knowing myself, I’ll go crazy if I don’t let these feelings and thoughts out.